Jokes stolen from the Internet – loosely catagorized

Steven Wright-ish
  • It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey but I’ve turned myself around
  • If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
  • I poured Red Bull in my coffee this morning, now I can see sounds
  • I once told a Chemistry joke but no one reacted
  • I though I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks
  • Ate four boxes of thin mints, not feeling thin at all
  • I changed my car horn to gun shot sounds…people move out of the way much faster
  • I just spotted some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces
  • My current good mood was brought to you by the good folks at Pfizer
  • When a telemarketer calls, I give the phone to my kids and tell them its Santa
  • You can’t make somebody love you, You can only stalk them and hope for the best
  • Your such a good friend that if we were ever in a sinking boat with one life preserver; I’d miss you and think of you often
  • Never piss off someone who bleeds for a week every month and doesn’t die
  • Never laugh at your girlfriends choices….you are one of them
  • If you think 7 years of bad luck are too much for breaking a mirror, try breaking a condom
Bitter & Twisted
  • I want to be there when Karma ass-fucks you with a Cactus
  • If I had a nickel for everytime you said something stupid, I’d have a sock full of nickels to beat you with
  • Let me file that under fuck it
  • Remember me? You kicked me when I was down? I got back up and now you’re Fucked
  • Why is it that every time I hear the Lord’s Prayer, when they get to the “Lead me not into temptation part” I say to myself: Follow me, I know a shortcut
  • If you’re looking for something to do this weekend, you could always replace the litter in you cat box with pop-rocks
  • The bulletproof vest was actually invented by a pizza delivery guy from Detroit after he was shot twice on the job
  • I desperately need a ‘hide political posts’ button on Facebook so I can still like all my friends after the election
  •  By the power vested in me by Mr. Zuckerberg, I now pronounce you Blocked & Deleted….now you can kiss my ass
  •  High school reunion? What for? I’m on facebook and already know who got fat
Work Related
  • You don’t have to be crazy to work here, We’ll train you
  •  There is nothing more comfortable than sleeping while someone else gets ready for work
  • Why yes Wal-Mart, I’d love to wait in line for 30 minutes behind a pajama clad person who lacks deodorant and a bra. It’s so nice of you to have 2 whole registers open..
  • Life is all about Ass. You’re either covering it, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it or behaving like one
  • If still being in my pajama’s at 3:00 PM is wrong, I don’t want to be right
  • I’d dress up at Siri for Halloween if my life didn’t already entail being asked stupid questions all day
  • Sometimes, giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time
  • Dear Life, When I asked if my day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge
  • I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times just to be sure
  • Alcohol – because no great business ever started by a bunch of people sitting around eating salad
  • If I had a dollar for everytime I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream
  • This Halloween I going to follow the kids all over the neighborhood, then once they have begged for the candy I am going to confiscate 1/2 of it. I’ll just call it the Candy Tax
  •  So I lost the first debate – it was Bush’s fault you damn racist…

About bohicaman

Former Trader, Risk Manager, CRO, COO, etc. Global experience in all forms of listed and OTC derivative markets Citizen of the world Resident of the USA Favorite color is blue
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